You shouldn’t hit women… but it’s their fault when you do.

One of the reasons I’ve found misogyny difficult to point out is that it’s often hidden under a thin veil of denial. Most people know woman-hating is not socially acceptable and don’t want to be labelled a misogynist. They cover is up with statements like ‘I believe in equality in the workplace… but some women just aren’t made for certain jobs’. Or there’s: ‘Julia Gillard is wrong when she plays the misogyny card. I’m not a misogynist… but our country turned to crap as soon as we let that loud mouthed, fat arsed, bitch faced, cunt of a witch have some power’. Or there’s the far too common one: ‘I believe girls should be treated with respect… but when they walk around looking like sluts, they’re asking for it’.

I’m no expert on violence against women. But I know that it’s wrong in every possible scenario you could throw at me EXCEPT, perhaps, in  necessary self-defence or defence of another. However that would be a matter for the courts to decide, not you or I. For the general purpose of this post, we’ll just assume all violence towards women is wrong. Full stop.

I’m sure you’re probably thinking “well, duh, Erica.” Because what nut-case would think otherwise? I too am surprised when I read statistics like how in 2005 half a million Australian women experienced physical or sexual violence/assault in the previous 12 months alone. Of this, 64.1% were committed in a home. 37.8% said the perpetrator was a current partner or ex. 34.4% said they were a male family member or friend. These statistics are insane and incredibly alarming. But where are all these crazy women bashers? Surely they wouldn’t actually try to defend their actions? Fortunately I’d been blessed enough not to have come across anyone who has outrightly suggested violence against women was acceptable. Until now.  

To be fair, this comedian doesn’t outright state violence against women is acceptable (though the comments section does). In fact he continuously states, throughout his routine, that he’s “not saying” men should hit women. However, the ‘but’ word pops up far too often, suggesting there may be situations where it’s excusable. He begins by poking fun at people who say there is no reason to hit a woman. ‘I’m not saying you should do it… but there’s plenty of fucking reasons.’ I thought I understood what he was trying to get at when he said ‘when you say there’s no reason, that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that place.’ That’s a fair point, I suppose. So I replied:

This stupid woman did have a little chuckle at that, before stopping short at the realisation that there’s a real person hiding behind Aca Demy’s computer screen, free to roam the streets. Scary thought.

Back to the video. The comedian says ‘if you say there’s no reason, you cut out the build up and are just left with the act. How are you going to solve it if you don’t figure it out?’ This was met with complete silence, not even a tiny chuckle. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one staring in complete disbelief. He sensed the hostility and said ‘look how awkward it is right now. I said you shouldn’t hit a woman!’

He continually states he doesn’t condone men hitting women… but he does place an enourmous emphasis on what women do which may cause the man’s rage: ‘you can only ask questions about what the guy did, you can never ask about the woman. Why is that?’ I can tell you why: because it’s irrelevant. People verbally argue all the time and while they may be in the wrong, this is acceptable behaviour because it is mutual, nobody is physically hurt, no laws are broken, and verbal communication can help resolve conflict. If it doesn’t, either party can choose to end the relationship and subsequently avoid these kinds of arguments. The only behaviour that is not acceptable under any circumstance is physical or sexual violence. Especially when it’s not mutual, and it’s usually not. It does not fix any problems nor provide an ethical way to resolve conflict. There is nothing a woman can say that would make it acceptable. It is an unequal and inexcusable response. Provocation is not self-defence, at least under my state’s jurisdiction, which reflects this. For him to say we need to examine what the girl has said or done which led to her being assaulted could only be because he believes this, in some way, justifies or excuses the man’s actions. Essentially, he’s saying outright ‘men shouldn’t assault women’ but, inadvertently he’s saying, ‘but when they do, it’s not completely the man’s fault because the woman caused the man to want to assault her’.

He continues to list a number of situations he believes are reasons for men to hit women. When a woman from the audience shouts something at him, which he interprets as heckling, he replies “I’m talking about hitting women sweat-heart, and I think you just added another reason.” He followed this with a few analogies to various situations where humans get hurt due to fault on their own behalf. He states that when people are bitten by snakes, one would ask if they were ‘fucking with it,’ ie poking it with a stick. He then compared violence to arson, saying firemen don’t just drive away afterwards, they look for evidence of the cause, such as an oily rag. These examples are both events that occur as a direct result of an action. Poking a snake with a stick will naturally cause the snake to attack as a defence. Lighting an oily rag and throwing it away will naturally cause a fire. By using these analogies, he’s implying that the natural response to a woman arguing – or heckling – is to hit her. This, of course, places the blame on the actions of the woman rather than the man because, as he implies, the man’s response is only the natural consequence. He then says “look, I realise I’m coming off pretty ignorant right about now.” Well, he got one thing right.

‘I realise that there’s some animal guys out there, okay, horrible guys. You know, [they] have a rough day at the factory, come home, [shouting] “tuna casserole!” and just start swinging, alright? I’m not trying to say that those people don’t exist. I realise they exist, they should be buried underneath the prison, okay? So if I can admit that, ladies, can you at least admit that every ass kicking doesn’t just fall out of the fucking sky?” Here he’s giving one example of when a man hits a women without any former words or actions by the woman. He says that this is wrong. Then he asks us to think about all the other “ass kickings” that didn’t “just fall out of the sky”. Here he’s arguing that it’s not okay to hit a woman without provocation but conversely, if the woman argues or does something the man considers to be wrong, then it is okay.

He then spoke about the Rhianna bashing scenario. ‘Every case is handled like the Rhianna one, where they just say the guy’s a piece of shit, fuck this guy blah blah blah, send him to jail, then they never ask anything about that [the verbal fight]. You know I’m not saying he should have done it. But I’m just saying… What do you think was going down before that happened? You think she was just sitting there going “oh my god, Baskin and Robbins, you wanna get some ice-cream?”‘ He then imitates the abuser’s violent reaction. ‘You know? Or do you think maybe they were having some epic, end-of-the-relationship fight and some crazy shit was being said.” He’s essentially implying that the media is wrong to have only focused on the actions of Rhianna’s abuser. This obsession the comedian has with drawing the focus away from the abuser and onto the victim, perpetuates the idea that the abuser should not be entirely to blame. It suggests we should place at least some of the blame onto the victim for being a “reason” or “cause” for the man to hit them.

Guys and girls, this is just wrong. Assault is wrong. Violence against women is wrong. Provocation is not a thing. It is the abuser’s fault, never the victim’s. I know it. You know it. This comedian knows it. The audience knows it. And it doesn’t matter how many times this guy says “I’m not saying you should hit a woman” we can all see through this to get the real message he’s trying to send to the world. It makes me sick to my stomach. As a society, we need to wake up and stop pretending that people don’t hold these attitudes. It doesn’t matter how they attempt to hide it. These people are out there and we need to name and shame them.

Just incase you haven’t had enough, I’ll leave you with a selection of some of the more beautiful pieces of poetry left in the comment section.